I stopped teaching yoga and dance about two years ago. Around then I had started to blame others and myself for my drawbacks, my paranoia was heightening, and I was grieving a friend.
I felt that I was unfit to teach.
Luckily I could easily slip out of teaching without affecting anything or anyone. Except myself really.
I am beginning to realize that this might be a bit of a break, a phase, of searching for some direction and clarity. How long I will take before I start teaching again is part of the mystery. This space gives me time to parent, to be a partner, and be a little more clear about who I am.
I have always felt the need to know myself better, to understand what my mind is upto and why. I feel lucky that I have had the chance to get into therapy, that I can continue listening to my yoga teachers and others via podcasts, continue growing by taking workshops etc, without any pressure of teaching and being a “correct example”. Whatever I had decided that really meant anyways.
I have gotten into different activities like Muay Thai and running to balance out my practices, slowly and subtely developing the “inner roar” and fitness I sometimes felt was missing.
I am reading again after a long period of not being able to get into any of the books I would pick up. I am into various topics from self help books, to memoirs, to fiction.
I continue to start activities, stop, try again, then either continue or stop again. But now it feels more like an exploration, neither a victory nor a failure.